I've started going to a support group for people with Fibromyalgia. I'm realizing how much it affects my life, in ways I didn't necessarily see (or admit) before. I am also realizing how much I do accomplish, though my pace is a lot slower, in spite of the pain and fatigue. As long as I can put into action all of the things I've learned in the past 5 years, I should be able to get this under some sense of control.
During the meeting, I almost cried. I kept it inside, because I am not emotionally comfortable with being vulnerable in a group of strangers at a coffee shop. Keeping it inside is not the best idea, I just couldn't get over my ego, I guess. There was a sense of camaraderie. There was a bonding sensation, though my guard remained up and solid.
There was no 12-step style of meet-n-greet. After fifteen/twenty minutes, the organizer asked us new folks to introduce ourselves, but that was the only time she asked for the group's attention. We did not even go around the circle to hear everyone's name. Felt awkward. The pendulum kept swinging from an emotion of, "I belong here and can relate with these people," and "What am I doing here? Is it time to go, yet. Oh, look - a magazine about pain management. I'll hold it up and block my face while I skim through."
The only soap box I stood on was in support of medical marijuana. I may have stepped on a few toes, as that conversation caused almost half of the group to decide it was time to leave. Granted, the meeting seems to be unstructured and the time it is over was around the time these people left. However, there was no formal ending at all. People just began to gather their things and walk away. Once again: awkward.
As they were leaving, I gave someone my card and had them write down the NORML website. I wonder if the topic will come up again, or if I'll catch any guff for talking about it. I don't really know what to think of it all. I have committed to going to every Friday meeting in April, but if I am not all cozy and comfy and able to express myself, I will find another group in May.
Support groups have always been a fearful concept, but an intriguing one. I'm very curious about fears, in general. That's probably what initiates some of my trysts with adventure. In this time of preparation for medical school, I am actively pursuing fear. I want to chase it down and make it plead for mercy before I let it go to haunt another soul. I cannot kill fear, only conquer it. In all forthrightness, it isn't even an aggressive pursuit. It is a pursuit of learning to love myself. Love that fear away... embrace it and hug it until I conquer it.
It makes me so mad, though! I feel pissed off about all of the things I fear to do because of Fibromyalgia and the current condition of my body/mind. I am angry about how messy my house gets, because cleaning every day is painful and doing certain things really aggravates the pain. The frustration comes along when planning to go hiking, camping, kayaking, dancing, shopping, walking, or any other sustained physical activity. The frustration comes from the limits I have to place on myself. The limits come from fear of the pain I know will come and the fear of a random injury that hurts way more than it should.
I am curious to find out what other people in the group do to continue living the life they want to live. It may be that they don't. They might just take pills, or other medication, and sleep through most of their life. That's what the doctors basically had me do, back when I was diagnosed. That's a big part of why I do not have a doctor right now. I don't feel like someone will really listen to me. I go to a student clinic, but the student will change every time, so nobody gets to know me or my body. This is okay in a pinch, but I need something more personally attentive. That's all about money, though, and insurance... and the fact I don't have it.
Whatever, this is the beginning of the exploration of group therapy. I hope it gets better than today.
